Dr. Mardy's Quotes of the Week ("Narcissism")

March 17—23, 2024 | THIS WEEK: “Narcissism”

Opening Line of the Week

When I first came upon these opening words, I thought to myself, “Sounds like something Narcissus would say.” I also found myself wondering if the author had deliberately crafted the first sentence with the self-loving mythological figure in mind. Sure enough, he did. In the opening paragraph, the narrator continued:

“I can stare for hours, without a minute of boredom. I take off my clothes and stand naked in front of one of those full-length mirrors and simply contemplate my body. It’s a narcissistic ritual—I don’t deny that—but it is more than mere narcissism. It’s like a religious ceremony. It expands my consciousness. It’s a form of transcendentalism.”

The opening words put us directly into the mind of protagonist Ken Harrison, an 18-year-old high school senior who has it all. He’s smart, handsome, and, as the only male child in a household with seven sisters, he has a mother who dotes on him. Not surprisingly, he is also the star of the hockey team and—of course—has a beautiful girlfriend. However, as Harrison struts around the opening pages like a peacock, there’s a clear suggestion that his future may not be as idyllic as his past.

For nearly 2,000 memorable opening lines from every genre of world literature, go to www.GreatOpeningLines.com.

This Week’s Puzzler

On March 18, 1980, this man died at age 79 in Muralto, Switzerland. Born in Germany in 1900, he was 18 when WWI—“The war to end all wars”—finally came to an end. Later in life, he reported that he was so “deeply troubled” over the horrors of the war that he committed his life to understanding why people behave in irrational and self-destructive ways. 

In 1922, after obtaining a Ph.D. in sociology from the University of Heidelberg, he became interested in a new medical treatment called psychoanalysis. The approach had recently become popular in Europe, and he believed it offered an exciting new window into human nature. After completing his psychoanalytic training in 1927, he established his own private practice. Six years later, when he fled Germany to Switzerland to escape the Nazi menace, he was regarded as one of the field’s brightest young stars. A year later, he left Switzerland for America, joining the faculty at Columbia University in 1934. 

In addition to his contributions to psychoanalytic theory and practice, this week’s Mystery Man became one of the century's great popularizers of psychology and psychological concepts. Beginning with Escape From Freedom (1941), he wrote more than two dozen books addressed to a popular audience, including Man for Himself (1947), The Sane Society (1955), and The Art of Loving (1956), a national bestseller and, ultimately, a self-help classic.

In The Art of Loving, he offered this famous observation: 

Who is this person? (Answer below)

Is It Possible to Have a Relationship With a Narcissist?

Even though Sigmund Freud wrote a seminal essay on narcissism in 1914, it is this week’s Mystery Man who deserves most of the credit for making narcissism a key component of modern psychological thought. In yet another observation on the subject from his Art of Loving book, he wrote:

“The narcissistic orientation is one in which one experiences as real only that which exists within oneself, while the phenomena in the outside world have no reality in themselves, but are experienced only from the viewpoint of their being useful or dangerous.”

When you stop to think about the significance of the portion I’ve presented above in italics, this is a remarkable—and, in some ways, even a jaw-dropping—observation. Reality, as we normally understand the term, does not exist for the narcissists of the world. What is real to them is not what actually happens, but what they would prefer it to be. Narcissists take the expression perception is reality to an absurd conclusion, and then get upset, angry, and even vengeful with people who have the temerity to challenge them. In the book, the author explained:

“The opposite pole to narcissism is objectivity; it is the faculty to see other people and things as they are, objectively, and to be able to separate this objective picture from a picture which is formed by one’s desires and fears.”

Yet another pioneering figure in our modern understanding of narcissism was Christopher Lasch, a historian and social critic at the University of Rochester. In 1979, he came out with The Culture of Narcissism: American Life in an Age of Diminishing Expectations, a book that examined the nature and significance of narcissism in American culture. The book, which won a 1980 National Book Award, offered many memorable observations on the subject, including this one:

The Culture of Narcissism, which many critics regard as one of the most influential books of the twentieth century, also provided this stunningly prescient observation:

“The narcissist admires and identifies with ‘winners’ out of his fear of being labeled a loser. He seems to warm himself in their reflected glow; but his feelings contain a strong admixture of envy, and his admiration often turns to hatred if the object of his attachment does something to remind himself of his own insignificance.”

Even though the subject of narcissism has been discussed and examined for centuries, it has been formally regarded as a psychological disorder for less than fifty years. In 1952, the American Psychiatric Association published the first edition of its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-I), a comprehensive diagnostic manual for psychologists and psychiatrists. In that guide—as well as in the DSM-II in 1968—narcissism was not mentioned.

It wasn’t until the DSM-III (1980) when narcissism was finally included, and when it was, it was formally called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Since then, our understanding of the syndrome has been refined and expanded, and here is how it was described in a guide to using The DSM-5 (2013):

“Narcissistic Personality Disorder is named for Narcissus, from Greek mythology, who fell in love with his own reflection. Freud used the term to describe persons who were self-absorbed, and psychoanalysts have focused on the narcissist’s need to bolster his or her self-esteem through grandiose fantasy, exaggerated ambition, exhibitionism, and feelings of entitlement.”

John William Waterhouse’s 1903 oil painting “Echo and Narcissus”

In the Great Opening Line feature this week, the protagonist of the novel Goldenrod followed the lead of Narcissus when he said, “I never tire of looking at myself.” The modern narcissist has a slightly different motto, I believe, and it might be expressed this way: “I never tire of thinking about myself.”

Psychologists are fond of saying that narcissists are the least likely clinical group to seek psychological help—and this is true in large part because narcissists don’t think there is anything wrong with them. They are also regarded as the most impervious to psychological treatment when, as it sometime happens, they are pressured by a spouse or ordered by a court to see a psychologist or psychiatrist. Their imperviousness to treatment is not surprising when you consider the essence of the condition.

Narcissism is a radical egocentricity that is almost always accompanied by a highly exaggerated—and even grandiose—sense of self-importance. The condition is widely believed to result from severe doubts narcissists harbor about their self-worth—and many observers of the condition have even suggested a strong component of shame or self-loathing. Narcissists also commonly exhibit these other symptoms:

• A pathological need to be admired or respected;

• A hypersensitivity to minor or unintended slights;

• A tendency to respond to criticism with anger, or even rage;

• A marked—and in extreme cases, a chilling—lack of empathy;

• A willingness to mislead, “gaslight,” or even lie when challenged;

• An unwillingness to admit to—much less apologize for—mistakes;

• A preoccupation with self to the point of complete self-absorption;

• An inability or unwillingness to engage in thoughtful introspection;

• A sense of entitlement that leads them to believe they deserve special treatment or that normal rules of conduct don’t apply to them.

To return to the question we posed earlier, is it possible to have a relationship with a narcissist? When I asked the question of ChatGTP, I got this answer:

“Navigating a relationship with a narcissist presents significant challenges due to the inherent traits and behaviors associated with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). While it may be possible to have a relationship with a narcissist, it often proves to be tumultuous, damaging, and ultimately unsustainable.”

However, if you consider all that you’ve read so far in this week’s post, I think there’s an even simpler—and more direct—answer to the question:

“Yes, it is possible to have a relationship with a narcissist, but never a healthy one.”

Over the past several decades, narcissism has moved from a psychological concept to a cultural meme, and there are very few people whose lives have not been negatively affected by even a short-time involvement with a narcissist. This week, take a few moments to think about the narcissists you’ve known, how you’ve coped with them, what price you’ve paid for your involvement, and what you’ve learned in the process. To stimulate your thinking, here are some of my favorite quotations on the subject: 

• Seeking admiration is like a drug for narcissists. In the long run it becomes difficult because others won’t applaud them, so they always have to search for new acquaintances from whom they get the next fix. — Mitja D. Back

• Nobody can be kinder than the narcissist while you react to life in his own terms. — Elizabeth Bowen

• When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose. — Brené Brown

• The Narcissist’s Creed: I am, therefore you’re not. — Jim DeKornfeld

• Narcissists alone are blatant in their self-inflation and braggadocio—leavened with a necessary dose of self-deception. — Daniel Goleman

• There’s a reason narcissists don’t learn from mistakes and that’s because they never get past the first step, which is admitting that they made one. — Robert Hogan

• The fantasy world of Narcissists can have a seductive allure that promises to envelop you in its specialness. Their superficial charm can be enchanting, and they often appear complicated, colorful, and exciting as they draw you into their narcissistic web. — Sandy Hotchkiss

• Narcissism is actually a clever guise adopted to mask its exact opposite, which is a deep well of self-loathing, a well of low self-esteem. — Jeffrey Kluger

• The dynamics of narcissism are poignantly applicable to a study of powerful cult leaders as well as to the loyalty and devotion found in their followers. — Peter A. Olsson

• Although narcissists don’t (or won’t) show it, all perceived criticism feels gravely threatening to them (the reason that their inflamed, over-the-top reactions to it can leave us so surprised and confused). Deep down, clinging desperately not simply to a positive but grandiose sense of self, they’re compelled at all costs to block out any negative feedback about themselves. — Leon F. Seltzer

For source information on these quotations, and many others on the topic of NARCISSISM, go here.

Cartoons of the Week:

Answer to This Week’s Puzzler:

Erich Fromm (1900-80)

Dr. Mardy’s Observation of the Week:

Thanks for joining me again this week. See you next Sunday morning, when the theme will be “Beauty.”

Mardy Grothe

Websites: www.drmardy.com and www.GreatOpeningLines.com

Regarding My Lifelong Love of Quotations: A Personal Note